How to Respond to Challenging Behavior Without Escalating

Let me begin this article on how to respond to challenging behavior with a classic “do as I say, not as I do” example.  

In my first year of teaching Language Arts, I made an eighth-grade boy cry. 

He had been making comments, trying to get laughs, and I snapped back with sarcasm.  The next thing I knew, he was in tears. (Twenty years later, I can’t recall exactly what I said, but I vividly remember the impact.) 

I learned that day to give extra thought to what I said and how I said it. 

If I had been more confident and more in control of my class, I wouldn’t have needed to resort to a flippant remark. Over the years, as both a teacher and administrator, I’ve seen how much words can shape interactions with our students – both positively and negatively.  

I’m definitely not suggesting we lower expectations or ignore disruptive behavior.  (On the contrary, you NEED to address issues as they arise.)

Instead, I hope we can respond to challenging student behaviors in a way that maintains respect for both the student and ourselves.

I’ve also learned that small shifts in phrasing can de-escalate a situation and preserve relationships.

Here are six quick “verbal swaps” you can use the next time you need to respond to challenging student behavior.

Six Ways to Respond to Challenging Behavior Without Escalating

Tip 1: Avoid responses that reflect your annoyance or frustration

Escalating Response: “Unbelievable! Why are you turned around again?”

Better Alternative: “I need you to face the front so you can see the directions.”

Why it Works: The shift avoids accusation and instead frames compliance as an expectation the student is capable of meeting.

Tip 2: Stay away from sarcasm.  It damages rapport with the student (and sometimes the entire class).

Escalating Response: You’re talking again?! What a surprise.”

Better Alternative: “I need everyone’s attention up here right now.”

Why it Works: Sarcasm chips away at trust and can embarrass students. A calm, direct reminder maintains your authority, centers the comment on the behavior you want, and avoids unnecessary tension.

Tip 3: Avoid “why” questions. They invite unwanted discussion and argument.

Escalating Response: “Why are you acting like that?”

Better Alternative: “What should you be doing right now?

Why it Works: Questions that start with “what” or “how” keep the conversation focused on the behavior or task, rather than the student’s personality.  

Tip 4: Ditch the declarative demands. They sound like you’re giving orders, which can lead to power struggles.

Escalating Response: “Get to work.”

Better Alternative: “Give the first question a try, and I’ll check back with you in a minute.”

Why it Works: The shift focuses the conversation on learning rather than ordering the student’s behavior.

Tip 5: Try not to take student behavior personally, even when it seems VERY personal.

Escalating Student Comment: “Wow, this is SO boring.”

Teacher Response: “It may not be the most exciting thing you’ll do today, but it’s important. Let’s work together to get it done.”

Why it Works: Either the student said this without thinking, or to get a rise out of you. With this response, you neutralize the comment while maintaining composure.

Tip 6: Sidestep student accusations without dismissing them completely.

Escalating Student Comment: “You always get mad at me when everyone else is talking?”

Teacher Response: “I try to hold everyone to the same standard. Right now, I’m asking you to give me your attention so we can continue.”

Why it Works: The student’s comment may be something to reflect on later.  But in the short term, your response clarifies your intent and provides direction for changing the student’s behavior.

Major Takeaways:

Challenging classroom situations will typically go better if you:

• Avoid sarcasm.
• Steer clear of “why” questions (they invite arguments).
• Focus on what students can do next rather than what they did wrong.
• Keep your tone calm, respectful, and forward-looking.

Whether the moment is heated on the student’s part or not, the words we choose can either fuel the fire or create a fire that wasn’t there originally.  

By practicing these swaps, you’re putting students in the best situation to respond positively, and you’ll establish yourself as a calm, unflappable teacher who is confident enough not to get flustered.  

If you’re looking for a step-by-step system for effective classroom management, check out the New Teacher’s Classroom Management Toolkit!