How to Respond When a Student Is Disrespectful

Being on the receiving end of disrespectful behavior from a student is one of the more unpleasant realities of teaching.  Every teacher-student interaction is unique, but it’s helpful to think about potential responses to disrespect that will allow you to recapture the vibe in the room without escalating the situation. So, what exactly should a teacher say when a student is disrespectful?

Two levels of disrespectful student behavior

Low-level disrespect: 

Some students are rude but don’t know they’re being rude – something I witnessed repeatedly as a middle school teacher for 15 years.  Lack of social skills or simple immaturity causes blind spots in how some kids view their behavior.  

There’s a second group of “low-level disrespecters” – when a typically respectful kid tries out a disrespectful tone to see how it feels.  (Teenagers do that.)  A third case involves students who are rude simply because they’re having a bad day.  With low-level disrespect, you might consider ignoring it.  Don’t blow it out of proportion if you decide to address it.  Calmly inform and explain that certain actions are being perceived as disrespectful.  

Dealing with low-level disrespect:

• Gentle yet firm correction.
• Keep it brief.  Avoid getting into a back-and-forth.  
• If you escalate, you risk damaging the rapport with that student or the entire class. 

High-level disrespect: 

In more extreme cases, disrespect is intentional and highly disruptive.  Whether these students are seeking negative attention, trying to get out of class, or are struggling with a traumatic family situation, their behavior is rarely about you.  You’re not likely to fix the root cause of the disrespectful behavior immediately.  The goal: mitigate and manage.  When working with students who engage in high-level disrespect, think about these four principles.

Dealing with high-level disrespect: 

• Stay calm – nothing rattles or shocks you. 
• Look for opportunities to initiate positive interactions and praise the student.
• Keep it light.  Humor is helpful.
• If you escalate, you WILL lose. 

What to say when a student is disrespectful.

Strategy #1: Ask a calm, non-escalating question.  

Examples:

• What are you hoping to accomplish with that comment?
• Hey, that doesn’t sound like you.  Is something going on?
• I’m not sure what you mean by that, but would you be able to refocus on what we’re doing?

Strategy #2: Be firm and clear.

Examples:

• I’m sorry, but it’s not okay to speak to me that way.  That should not happen again.
• That was completely out of line.  I expect you to treat everyone in this class, including me, with respect.
• That comment crosses the line.  I need you to reset right now.

Strategy #3: Empathetic accountability.

Examples: 

• Ouch, that was uncalled for.  Having a rough day? 
• It seems like you’re not having the best day.  I’m going to be respectful of you.  Can you do the same?
• This isn’t your best moment.  I know we both expect more from you. 

Strategy #4: Refuse to engage.

Examples:

• I’m sorry, but I won’t discuss this unless the tone changes.
• Unfortunately, this conversation is over until you can speak respectfully.
• That type of language isn’t respectful.  We can try again when you’re ready.

Strategy #5: The Golden Rule

Examples:

• Would you be okay if someone said that to you?
• Is that how you’d want someone to speak to you if the roles were flipped?
• If you could put yourself in my shoes, how do you think that came across just now?

Strategy #6: The stare.

• Students are smart; they know what a stare means.  Slow your breathing.  Make eye contact.  Hold the stare for a little longer than is comfortable for the student.  
• To transition out of the stare, “Can we try again?”, or “Ready to move on?”

Scenario A: “I wasn’t talking.”

Scenario B: “Sure, whatever you say.”

Scenario C: “This class is a joke.”

General tips for responding to disrespect:

1. Stay calm and in control. 
2. Pause a breath or two before responding.   
3. Speak in a neutral, respectful tone.  Avoid sarcasm or condescension.
4. Keep the interaction brief.  Try not to let it disrupt the lesson.
5. Address behavior, not the student.  Say, “That comment was rude,” instead of “You’re being rude.”
6. When possible, address it privately.
7. Avoid the “back and forth” arguments with students. 
8. If necessary, involve the support of counselors, parents, and administrators.

Finding your style

The nature of teaching makes it impossible to identify the “right” or “best” approach for every situation.

There are undoubtedly example responses in this article that you simply CANNOT imagine yourself saying in class.  (The same is true for me!).  Stay true to your teaching style.

Student disrespect is challenging.  It may occasionally be fine to ignore rude behavior.  Generally speaking, however, it’s better to calmly and skillfully address disrespect before it becomes normalized in your room.