How to Get Past a Less-Than-Positive Student Interaction

Teachers can encounter negative interactions with both parents and students.  From a parent’s perspective, no one likes to have the bad behavior of their child pointed out. It brings into question their identity as a parent. 

And, as we know, teachers assume the role of authority figures on campus.  Enforcing school or classroom rules and administering consequences puts teachers in a position that can easily lead to negative interactions with students.

The Impact of Negative Interactions At School 

Unsurprisingly, we have seen a greater percentage of teachers thinking about or actually leaving the profession.  Education Week recently reported that 54% of teachers said they were “somewhat” or “very likely” to leave teaching in the next two years. 

Negative interactions affect a person at the moment and then they often linger.  The rest of the day, evening, and weekend can all be impacted because of a school-related incident.  We all know that continually replaying the interaction is not productive.  But it is natural to continue thinking and ruminating on what happened.  This is where self-care strategies can help. 

Six Tips to Lessen the Impact of A Negative Incident

Self-care is always important to practice, but it is vitally important after negative interactions.  I’m a “people pleaser” by nature, a trait that can conflict with the responsibilities inherent to the roles of teacher and school administrator.

I have had to work hard to develop self-care strategies after negative interactions.  Here is a list of different techniques I use, depending on my mood and how negative the interaction was.  Often, I use a combination so that I can continue to be productive throughout the day and not have the incident ruin my evening or weekend. 

1. Take a walk

As soon as possible after a negative interaction, try to take a short walk around campus.  This gets you physically out of the location where the altercation occurred, allows you to reenter the space with a clearer head, and provides an opportunity for endorphins to be released, helping to reduce some of the stress caused by the negative interaction.

2. Have a “venting buddy”

One of the benefits of being an administrator is that, generally, you are part of an administrative team.  This team element (if it’s a good team) gives you built-in people who have similar experiences (sometimes with the same student or parent) and provides a support system for you to share, vent, and then move on.  Identify a person on campus whom you trust and whom you can vent to when needed.  

Remember, though, the key to venting is to keep it short and in the moment.  Don’t continue venting about the same incident multiple times and don’t vent days after the incident occurs or the act of venting will prove less productive.   

3. Write it out

For me, one of the worst things about a negative interaction is the amount of time I spend replaying the incident.  I used to spend loads of time mulling over the event and scrutinizing my handling of the situation.  

A way to cut down on unproductive thinking is to write out answers to the following questions. This exercise focuses on one’s thoughts and can lead to helpful self-reflection and potential action.

• At what point did things escalate?  (What did I say or do that triggered the reaction?)
• What caused the other person to be upset? (Try to answer this by empathetically looking at what caused them to be upset beyond the surface reason of a bad grade, breaking a class rule, etc.)
• Was there anything I could have done differently to prevent the escalation?  Was there a different approach I could have taken to prevent or mitigate the reaction?
• What is there to learn from this incident?

4. Preserve your home

When I became an administrator, the number of negative interactions increased.  I began to see my home as a sanctuary that I needed to protect in order to keep it a “safe space” for myself.  For me, that meant not giving my spouse a blow-by-blow, detail-after-detail rundown of every incident.  

I would absolutely still share some things, particularly if I needed his support.  But I stopped making that my default so as to keep my home a happy, personal space.  Limiting how much of my evening was spent talking about what happened at school also allowed me the mental break I needed to go back the next day.  

5. Counter it with positive interactions

Research shows that the typical workplace ratio is five positive comments for every one criticism.  I think the same is true for negative interactions–you need to have multiple positive interactions to counteract the one negative interaction.  

With that in mind, think back on your day to five positive interactions that you had.  Or, if you are still at school, actively seek out positive interactions with students and colleagues.  Having these positive interactions (which can be you spreading a little joy to others) will help to balance and put into perspective what happened.

6. Be fortified for the meeting

If you know that you are going into a meeting that may get heated or contentious, do your best to prepare yourself.  And that means more than just coming up with your documentation or explanation for your decision–it also means being ready to listen to the other person.  

Be sure the meeting includes positive components.  It’s important to explicitly tell parents that they have a great kid.  Let students know they are a valued member of your class and you want nothing more than to see them be successful.  But in order for them to do that, behaviors need to be altered.  

It also goes a long way to approach parent conversations from a collaborative lens.  If the situation allows, explain what your consequence generally is and then ask for feedback as to whether this will be effective for their child.  If not, do they have suggestions that would be more effective and that you feel are appropriate for the situation?

My main goal is to keep the meeting positive and collaborative; this helps to “heal” the negative effects of the initial incident.

Amanda Melsby has been a professional educator for 20 years.  She taught English before working as an assistant principal and later as a high school principal.  Amanda holds an Ed.D. in Educational Practice and Leadership and is currently a dean of teaching and learning.